Greetings from your friend, the spring snowstorm
16 April 12:50pmNicholas Pipitone • Wisconsin
Hey everyone, how you doing? Remember me?
Aw, don’t look the other way and pretend I’m not here. You knew in the back of your mind that I could show up any time. You carry a Wisconsin driver’s license. You know how this works. In July, I disguise myself as a rainstorm to ruin your day at Summerfest. You have no right to be surprised. Get out your shovels suckers.
No worries, there’s plenty of Bengay at Walgreen’s for the lower back pain. Why didn’t you buy a snow blower when you had the chance? Get out your hot pad and deal with it. You’re lucky I didn’t come back as freezing rain. Freezing rain is the one that truly hates you. Not me.
Want proof? Think of the calories you’re going to burn hauling shovelfuls of water-drenched snow. You’re going to get the workout of your life. Once you’re done, you earned yourself an extra donut -- and all because of me, the snowstorm. I bring you donuts. You bring me angst. Show a little love, snow-hater.
But I digress. Are you upset? Don’t be so damn selfish. Think of the skiers. The skiers! Think of the kids who got to take their sled out one last time. Did you see the look on Mom’s face when they asked her if she could go outside while she was binge-watching Netflix under a warm blanket? Priceless. And what about the snowplow guys who got themselves a little unexpected windfall right before spring? Hey, you call me a snowstorm, I’m a fucking job creator.
I saw the evil eye you were giving the weather man like it’s his fault. That’s shitty. They’re doing their job, and once in a while that job entails delivering a little bit of “bad” news. Notice how I put “bad” in quotes there? That’s because this isn’t bad news, this is a gift. Here’s an idea, when it starts snowing in spring you can all pretend it’s Christmas again, put up the tree, and make a delicious feast. Instead, you’re sulking around bitching like a little baby.
Maybe you should pull out your smart phone and take an artful little slow-mo film of the beautiful snow falling. You can post that shit on your social pages. Watch how many likes you get because of me. I bring you likes, you bring me attitude. Come on, Wisconsinites, show a little love. I’m like instant production value for the junior filmmaker. Bam.
So don’t get too comfy when baseball season starts and you think me, the snowstorm, isn’t coming back. I’m the one throwing the curveballs here. And if I could get a little nit picky for a second, “April showers” isn’t specific to exactly what type of showers it’s talking about. You thought it was rain, well boo fucking hoo.
And to think, you were celebrating spring break last week. You got comfortable.
You should be ashamed of yourselves. You could get lucky. This could be it for me for while. Maybe this is the last snowstorm of the season.
Featured photo by Jay W. Filter