Ten Ways to Identify that You're the Worst Person at this Concert
8 February 12:30pmEmmy A. Yates
Written and drawn from the perspective of a 5’4" midwesterner
To begin, concerts should be a safe place where everyone is meant to feel comfortable and have the freedom to express and enjoy themselves. People show their comfort, gratitude and joy in different ways and at vastly different volumes. Because concert venues are the free-range establishments that they are, certain behaviors shared in said small spaces are more noticeable than others. This especially goes for the fellow general admission folks because you usually don’t have a seat and are all pooled into one area to sweat together. It also goes without saying: the more money you spend on concert tickets, the more irritating these trivial first-world grievances become. While concert venues offer the freedom to enjoy the music and ambiance, that does not permit you to be an asshole to other people who are also trying to enjoy the experience.
The easiest way to identify if you’re being an asshole is to ask yourself, am I sharing this space with others or invading it: a very important rhetorical question that is better explained through physical drawings. While there are a number of quite obvious examples of people invading the shared space at a concert, here are ten templates to guide yourself and your judgement of others.
1. “The entitled hot girl on the shoulders”
( can also be included in “ten worst concert couples” )
2. “Dude waving arms at full 180 degree angle”
( note that this disturbance is easily enhanced by wearing a large hat )
3. “Tall guy trying their best to go unnoticed”
( real tree will not save you )
4. “Friends that sing and look at each other and do that white-people-finger-pointy-thing”
( “I can’t look at you while I’m lying next to HIIMMM” )
5. “Person that screams ‘THIS IS MY FAVORITE SONG’ after the first two chords of every song”
( we get it, Doug, you like this band! )
6. “The for-concerts-only ace photographer”
( for those at home, please enjoy these 1000 videos on my instagram story )
7. “Person who yells ‘free bird!’”
( does anyone actually listen to that song in their free time )
8. “Group of gals who stand 4-12 deep, side by side with their hands woven together, eliminating potential passage”
( hey Yvonne, could you scratch my nose for me )
9. “Folks with no depth perception of their full drink”
( holder of the miracle solo cup that is never empty )
10. “Dude who starts a mosh pit during the mellowest song on the album”
( I secretly love this person and their enthusiasm )
At times, these behaviors aren’t always annoying or even noticeable to other folks. How so? Because if everyone is obnoxiously partaking in a conga line at a bluegrass concert, then no one will notice you starting your own conga line. If everyone is spilling drinks, throwing punches or yelling free bird, then you’re welcome to do all of those and then some.
The point here is that you’re not invading the environment by projecting these behaviors when everyone else is clearly on the same level of comfort. But when you’re irritating the people around you who are not on whatever level you’re on, maybe it’s time to learn some etiquette or at least revisit your high school psychology kinesics chapter on interpreting body language.
In conclusion, if you cannot find it in your will power to resist doing these things, then try standing in the back of the crowd so you don’t obstruct the view for everyone else. Statistically speaking these people always find their way to the front and they usually don’t travel alone! Also they vape indoors. So try to be mindful of whatever energy is being communicated back at you before you let loose and become the worst (concert) version of yourself.
Also, this stuff rarely happens at basement shows.
Please don’t come to my favorite local basement!